Coping

I haven't been coping very well. If you can cope with something this big. Loosing my mom. After almost a month it still doesn't feel real. Maybe because I am not facing it. Every time I start thinking about my mom being gone, I distract myself. I take a nap, I play a game on my phone. Anything to not think. I often find myself with tears in my eyes, but not crying. Like my subconscious is trying to grieve and I won't let it out. I know I need to, but I don't want to.

I think I need to talk to a councilor, or a therapist. I can't really talk to my dad, because he is dealing with his own grief. Same goes for my brother. I try talking to my husband, but it's hard for him to understand.

I had a rough day a week or two ago. I knew that my aunt had gone through my moms belongings, and got rid of her clothes. I was looking through old pictures, and looking around the house. I went into the bedroom and looked in the closet, but there were only my dad's clothes. All of my moms stuff was gone. I looked through her drawers, same thing. I knew my aunt did it, but I was still expecting to see them. If that makes sense. I cried. Then I came home, locked myself in the bathroom and cried again.

I am still not sleeping properly. I am still taking melatonin to help me sleep. Probably doesn't help sleeping during the day.

I am also wondering if I waited too long to talk to Bennett. I wanted to get some of his memories about Nana. I want to get as much recorded for him while he still remembers.

A Glass of Wine

Last night I poured two glasses of wine. One for me and one for you. I was hoping you would show up,  but I knew you wouldn't. Is it silly to wish things that will never be again? I don't know if you were there or not, but I said cheers, and told you that I love you.

It's still not real for me. But then I think about Christmas and who will make the trifle, or the fruit cake for dad. I immediately think that you will do it. But you won't ever make those again. Every time I have thoughts like that, I try to shut them out. If I can, I go to sleep, if not, I try to distract myself. Probably not the best idea because I don't think I've started grieving yet. I know everyone grieves differently. But I don't want to. Because then that acknowledges the fact you really are gone. And right now I would rather pretend the opposite.

After our glass of wine, I poured the remaining wine over by the bench where you and dad sat. That's where I picture you. Sitting with dad watching the sun set over the water. I love you mom. Always and forever. Xoxo

Sunset

I'm sitting outside tonight watching the sun set over the water.  It is absolutely beautiful. I can't help but remember dad saying that that is what you both did the night before you passed away. You were so excited for us to come here and I understand why.  How I wish you were here.

I feel like I should be crying more, or feeling more.  But right now I feel mostly numb. I still don't believe you are gone. Even after seeing you, having your ashes. It doesn't seem real. I know you are, but I still don't believe it. Maybe I can feel you around me. I don't think I will ever come to terms with you being gone.

I love you mom. Hope you were enjoying the sunset with me..

Goodbye

Today we came to say goodbye to you mom.  This was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I wore the outfit you bought me for my birthday. I brought you a picture that Jaidyn drew of you and him with Holden and Lexi. I traced Bennett's hands, and asked him to draw a happy face.  So he put his face on the sheet expecting me to trace it.  Funny boy. I gave you the letter I wrote, a poem, and a picture of you and dad at my wedding. Alastair gave you a beautiful picture Londyn drew.

Up until today, I didn't accept that you were gone. I lit a candle for you before we went to see you.

Walking into the room, seeing you there, made it all real. I broke down and sobbed on the couch with Alastair. Dad said goodbye. It hurt so much to watch him with you.  He is still blaming himself. Told you "I tried my love." He lifted Holden up to see you. Poor Holden was so confused. He wanted to cuddle with you.  Dad kissed you goodbye.

Alastair said goodbye next.

I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to acknowledge the face it was you there and that we were saying goodbye. I sat on the couch and looked at the picture of you and dad. You both were so happy. Dad came over to see what I had brought you and he cried.  I finally got up to go see you. Dad had to help me walk to you.  You looked so peaceful. Just like you were sleeping. I was hoping you would wake up.  You should have just woken up. It hurt so much. Like my heart was being ripped out.  Dad put the things I brought for you under your hand. I couldn't watch him do that. I stood beside you, kissed my hand and gave you the kiss.  I held your bed. Looked and you, looked at the picture. I told you that I loved you, said goodbye. I had to walk away without looking back.

I walked straight outside into the sunshine thinking of you.

I love you mom.  Always and forever.

Dear Mom

Mom,

I'm having trouble coming to terms with you not being here. You should still be here. It's not fair. I feel so lost without you. I know I have my boys, my husband, Dad and Al, but there is a gaping hole without you.

I was awake the morning you passed away. I was awake when dad called. I knew seeing dad's number. I knew, but I didn't want to believe it. I still don't. You can't be gone. You just can't. I don't know how to get through this. I want to pick up the phone and call you. But I can't. Why did you leave us so soon?

The morning you passed, I was sitting on the couch with Ty. I asked him to open the curtains and the door. The sun started shining on my face, and I could swear I could feel you hold my hand. Was that you? Right now, I swear I can feel you hugging me. God I miss you so much. Today I was looking in the sky talking to you. The clouds moved. I saw "I ♥ U" a message from you. I know you are watching over us. We saw the eagle land on the same branch. The one that you sent us. I can see signs of you everywhere.

Dad is blaming himself. Please help him. He can't blame himself. As much as it hurts, you couldn't have left us in a better way. You were in a beautiful place, doing something that you and dad loved. I know you wouldn't have wanted it any other way. But it was way too soon. 

Mike showed us the picture of the sunrise. It was beautiful, just like you. I didn't tell you often enough how much I loved you. Everything you did. You always put us first. You were always thinking of us. Worried about us. I understand it so much more now as a mother. I wish I had more time with you. I didn't spend enough time with you lately. I'm sorry. 

I know you didn't want me having kids so young. I wanted to give you grandchildren. I wanted them to know you and how special you were. Both boys loved you so much. Jaidyn has been saying that you were his second mom. You two had such a special bond. Please watch over him. I know you will. He understands that you are gone, but I don't know if he truly understands. He was upset when I told him. He cried. He asked if we were getting a new Nana. No one can replace you. Bennett was so insightful, he is just too much. He said, "Well that's not very nice. I think Backa will miss Nana." What an old soul he is. Watch over them, protect them. 

Please watch over all of us. I can't imagine how hard this is for you, watching us grieve. We just miss you so much. I think back over some memories and I smile. Then I realize that you aren't there, and then it feels like I can't breathe. It just doesn't seem real. I really need you to help us. I don't want to fall in to a deep depression. I am really scared about that. I know you don't want me to. Dad needs the most help. I have never seen him like this. He is hurting so much. Show him signs that you are with him. He loved you so much. He still does.

We are still coming to the island. I know you would be mad if we didn't go. I'm going to sit on the bench overlooking the ocean, where you sat with dad, and have a glass of wine with you.

I love you mom. I love you so much. I miss you even more. I will try to be brave. I don't want to say goodbye. But, it's not forever. I will see you again. 

Love always, 

Your little chickadee xoxo

An Eternal Memory

 I miss you mom.

My mom

Helen Jean Collie

June 13, 1946 - July 7, 2014