Coping

I haven't been coping very well. If you can cope with something this big. Loosing my mom. After almost a month it still doesn't feel real. Maybe because I am not facing it. Every time I start thinking about my mom being gone, I distract myself. I take a nap, I play a game on my phone. Anything to not think. I often find myself with tears in my eyes, but not crying. Like my subconscious is trying to grieve and I won't let it out. I know I need to, but I don't want to.

I think I need to talk to a councilor, or a therapist. I can't really talk to my dad, because he is dealing with his own grief. Same goes for my brother. I try talking to my husband, but it's hard for him to understand.

I had a rough day a week or two ago. I knew that my aunt had gone through my moms belongings, and got rid of her clothes. I was looking through old pictures, and looking around the house. I went into the bedroom and looked in the closet, but there were only my dad's clothes. All of my moms stuff was gone. I looked through her drawers, same thing. I knew my aunt did it, but I was still expecting to see them. If that makes sense. I cried. Then I came home, locked myself in the bathroom and cried again.

I am still not sleeping properly. I am still taking melatonin to help me sleep. Probably doesn't help sleeping during the day.

I am also wondering if I waited too long to talk to Bennett. I wanted to get some of his memories about Nana. I want to get as much recorded for him while he still remembers.