Goodbye

Today we came to say goodbye to you mom.  This was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I wore the outfit you bought me for my birthday. I brought you a picture that Jaidyn drew of you and him with Holden and Lexi. I traced Bennett's hands, and asked him to draw a happy face.  So he put his face on the sheet expecting me to trace it.  Funny boy. I gave you the letter I wrote, a poem, and a picture of you and dad at my wedding. Alastair gave you a beautiful picture Londyn drew.

Up until today, I didn't accept that you were gone. I lit a candle for you before we went to see you.

Walking into the room, seeing you there, made it all real. I broke down and sobbed on the couch with Alastair. Dad said goodbye. It hurt so much to watch him with you.  He is still blaming himself. Told you "I tried my love." He lifted Holden up to see you. Poor Holden was so confused. He wanted to cuddle with you.  Dad kissed you goodbye.

Alastair said goodbye next.

I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to acknowledge the face it was you there and that we were saying goodbye. I sat on the couch and looked at the picture of you and dad. You both were so happy. Dad came over to see what I had brought you and he cried.  I finally got up to go see you. Dad had to help me walk to you.  You looked so peaceful. Just like you were sleeping. I was hoping you would wake up.  You should have just woken up. It hurt so much. Like my heart was being ripped out.  Dad put the things I brought for you under your hand. I couldn't watch him do that. I stood beside you, kissed my hand and gave you the kiss.  I held your bed. Looked and you, looked at the picture. I told you that I loved you, said goodbye. I had to walk away without looking back.

I walked straight outside into the sunshine thinking of you.

I love you mom.  Always and forever.