Dear Mom

Mom,

I'm having trouble coming to terms with you not being here. You should still be here. It's not fair. I feel so lost without you. I know I have my boys, my husband, Dad and Al, but there is a gaping hole without you.

I was awake the morning you passed away. I was awake when dad called. I knew seeing dad's number. I knew, but I didn't want to believe it. I still don't. You can't be gone. You just can't. I don't know how to get through this. I want to pick up the phone and call you. But I can't. Why did you leave us so soon?

The morning you passed, I was sitting on the couch with Ty. I asked him to open the curtains and the door. The sun started shining on my face, and I could swear I could feel you hold my hand. Was that you? Right now, I swear I can feel you hugging me. God I miss you so much. Today I was looking in the sky talking to you. The clouds moved. I saw "I ♥ U" a message from you. I know you are watching over us. We saw the eagle land on the same branch. The one that you sent us. I can see signs of you everywhere.

Dad is blaming himself. Please help him. He can't blame himself. As much as it hurts, you couldn't have left us in a better way. You were in a beautiful place, doing something that you and dad loved. I know you wouldn't have wanted it any other way. But it was way too soon. 

Mike showed us the picture of the sunrise. It was beautiful, just like you. I didn't tell you often enough how much I loved you. Everything you did. You always put us first. You were always thinking of us. Worried about us. I understand it so much more now as a mother. I wish I had more time with you. I didn't spend enough time with you lately. I'm sorry. 

I know you didn't want me having kids so young. I wanted to give you grandchildren. I wanted them to know you and how special you were. Both boys loved you so much. Jaidyn has been saying that you were his second mom. You two had such a special bond. Please watch over him. I know you will. He understands that you are gone, but I don't know if he truly understands. He was upset when I told him. He cried. He asked if we were getting a new Nana. No one can replace you. Bennett was so insightful, he is just too much. He said, "Well that's not very nice. I think Backa will miss Nana." What an old soul he is. Watch over them, protect them. 

Please watch over all of us. I can't imagine how hard this is for you, watching us grieve. We just miss you so much. I think back over some memories and I smile. Then I realize that you aren't there, and then it feels like I can't breathe. It just doesn't seem real. I really need you to help us. I don't want to fall in to a deep depression. I am really scared about that. I know you don't want me to. Dad needs the most help. I have never seen him like this. He is hurting so much. Show him signs that you are with him. He loved you so much. He still does.

We are still coming to the island. I know you would be mad if we didn't go. I'm going to sit on the bench overlooking the ocean, where you sat with dad, and have a glass of wine with you.

I love you mom. I love you so much. I miss you even more. I will try to be brave. I don't want to say goodbye. But, it's not forever. I will see you again. 

Love always, 

Your little chickadee xoxo